A Guide To Being Not-Sh** Friends With Babies

Recently, while at the beach with a friend and his wife the topic of pregnancy came up (it has a strange habit of doing that when you’re expecting – friends love it…).  This time I had a good excuse, as we were mesmirised by a VERY pregnant woman roasting in a bikini, who, by the look of her was nearly cooked.  As the conversation took a turn towards my pending parenthood, Mrs Friend sweetly asked:

“Are you guys still going to be fun to hang out with when you have a baby?  Or are you going to be those sh** friends who change completely and disappear?”

I assured her that Baby would simply be an addition to our merry little group and not a wedge between us all.  But the thought troubled me.  So, just to ensure I didn’t make any major blunders to set me on the path of ‘sh** friend-hood’, I racked their brains for tips from their past experiences to keep me on track.

Therefore, I have compiled a list of ways to keep friends through parenthood:

1) Moderate Your Facebook Posts

My mate has assured me that he will be deleting me on Facebook as soon as I become a parent.  He sees me most days at work anyhow and, as much as (I’m sure) he loves seeing my every waking thought in seventy words or less filling his newsfeed, his interest will wan when my witty social commentary is replaced with: “Here’s another hiccup video – SO ADORABLE!!!! <3”

I, myself, have ‘unsubscribed’ to new parents on Facebook.  It’s bad enough to have every real-life conversation with them manipulated thus: “That [conversation about politics] reminds me of Toby’s sneezes!  Here’s a [low-res, poorly-framed, shaky] video of it on my phone!”; without having to see it in my newsfeed every three minutes when I check my Facebook!

So here’s the first step to keeping friends onside: try to moderate the baby content on your Facebook (and in conversations).  I’m sure you’ll be forgiven for posting the occasional photo, video or amusing anecdote, but try to set yourself a maximum – one a day runs a risk of too great-a regularity.

2) Don’t Forget Your Friends

Priorities are bound to change when Baby arrives.  All the spare time that I didn’t have during the nesting phase is bound to be taken up with baby duties.  Friends will be understanding of this (to a degree), but to forgive they must understand and to understand, they must first be told.  I’m told a cardinal sin commonly committed by new parents is to fail to respond to calls, texts, online advances or knocks on doors from once good friends.  Maybe you find it hard to turn down an invitation to go surfing with a mate on account of Baby, but spare a thought for your friend left wondering if you’ll ever reply!  Answer the phone, respond to the text, engage in social media [in a moderated fashion] and let them know what’s going on and why it is so.  It’s also worth keeping in mind step 3…

3) Don’t Discount Your Friends’ Willingness to Participate

When I buzzed my friends on how they had been wronged by former-friends/now-parents (positions which were sadly at risk of becoming exclusive), one of the greatest mistakes made was an assumption by the parents that the friends would not want to spend time with them and the baby.  They reminded me that they would still want to be friends, even if the form of social events went from day-long surfing adventures and night-long bar-crawls, to casual BBQs and watch-how-baby-crawls.

Sure, there are some friends who will fain interest in Baby’s existence upon her arrival and be conveniently unavailable at any invitation to spend time with me beyond that, if she is to be present.  There may be times when my mate is not willing to give up clear skies and glassy waves to just hang out, so goes surfing without me (though I’d really like to tie down short-term, low-price, last-minute sitting at a location convenient to the beach).  This being said, I hope that my friends are willing to be a little flexible and accept Baby into at least some of our social time.

This would be a tall ask, however, if there wasn’t a willingness on our side to be a little flexible too….

4) Don’t Be Precious

Sure, there are times in parenting when sacrifices must be made and Baby must come first.  That will take some adjusting to, but I accept it (pregnancy has been a teaser…although probably one of those really early ones that doesn’t really give away much more about the film than the title – no actors, no setting, no plot – yet leaves you feeling like you’ve had some great insight…only to discover months later that your pre-conceived notions were entirely misplaced and what you thought was going to be a side-splitting comedy, is actually Adam Sandler flapping about and talking like a child, getting unnecessarily angry at inanimate objects in what should have been a straight-to-DVD flop that has somehow got a cinema release because he made Happy Gilmore).  The exact toll that birthing has taken on Wifey will be particularly important, yet difficult to realise – with Baby due just a week out from Christmas, I’ll be itching to pack them all up and head on over to family festivities, but the reality may be that Wifey is all-but bedridden, particularly if Baby’s late!

However, this being said, once all has settled and we’ve found our flow, I’m determined that we will not be a couple who must leave early for Baby’s feed, or blow off an event that coincides with her nap time.  Sure, some more preparation may be required for our attendance and we may arrive looking like we’re staying the week, but I went to sleep in many a foreign bedroom as a child with the frivolity of my parents and their friends carrying down the hall and into my dreams.  As far as an infant is concerned, travelling with their pram is tantamount to taking their whole world with them; and as far as I’m concerned, pushing a pram is tantamount to being a racing-car driver, so everyone’s a winner!

Once again, it’s easy for me to preach these bold ideas prior to Baby’s arrival, blissfully naïve to the reality that’s yet to befall me.  To my friends, I apologise in advance for my pending assault on your newsfeeds and beg your forgiveness if I go off the radar for a while.  Accept my assurance that you’re still well loved and I am missing you badly – it’s simply that I’ve been thrown in the deep-end and the fact that I’m a strong swimmer has momentarily slipped my mind.  If you feel so-inspired, please throw the life buoy my way.  With any luck your aim may be true and you might knock some sense into me!