Now it's important at this stage that I acknowledge a crucial point (which, let's face it, should probably be the tagline to my whole blog): I am no authority; simply an opinionated commentator. However, at the risk of infuriating any of my four readers (discounting Mother), I will highlight a few of my personal pet-hates regarding what constitutes a 'good' name. But if you really like the name "Passionfruit" (for example), you should not, and will not, let my opinion affect your decision.
The first thing that my grandmother requested of me upon hearing our news, was that we give our child a "nice, sensible, regular name." Never one to miss an opportunity for smart-arsery, I replied that we would, indeed, choose a "regular" name, but give it a unique, hip, new spelling for individualism. This brings me to my first pet-hate:
Bogan Spelling
There has been a trend, of particular prevalence in recent years, to take a relatively standard name, but liven it up a little with phresh new spelling: 'P-H's instead of 'F's ("Tiphanie"); double 'E's in the place of 'I's ("Feebee"); 'X's where one should find 'C-K-S' ("Jaxon" - something of a classic in bogan circles); 'A-H' where conformity would see the placement of either an 'E-R' or 'O-R' ("Tailah"); and other such genocides against the English language ("Jaksen" and The Shire's own "Beckaa", for example - these "names" demonstrate but the most basic understanding of the English language). I have recently been alerted to another, so cutting-edge it's borderline lazy and so unbelievable it might just exist. This name is "Xal". I challenge you at this point to have a crack at pronouncing that, but don't be too hard at yourself if you don't arrive at the intended "Crystal"! Just because "Xmas" has somehow become an acceptable alternative to "Christmas", doesn't mean that "Xal" works. Such spellings are cruel: you are sentencing your child to a lifetime of "correcting" the spelling and/or pronunciation of their name, when ironically it's the other who has it right.
The temptation to change spelling is understandable - everybody seeks some kind of individualism and what better way to set your child up to stand out in the crowd than give them a unique name? So if you're not going to rely on the rarely-used letters of the alphabet, why not just make up a name? Please welcome pet-hate number two:
Bogan Creativity
Clearly celebrities (what every modern bogan aspires to be) are to blame for the trend in creative naming. However, Average Joe is not stupid: he realises that he can't send his child to Punchbowl Primary called "Apple" or "Blanket", for his name must be distinguishable from what's in his backpack. Instead we see the rise of names that sound vaguely familiar, yet just aren't quite right. No, Shaz hasn't choked on her durry mid-scream; nor has she attempted to streamline the summonsing of her clan by saying the names of two of her children at once: she really has named him "Blayden". Then there is the crown jewel of bogan creativity; a name that will be etched into the history books (or hard drives) as a dark mark against our generation; a name so shocking that I wouldn't believe it truly existed if I hadn't heard a first-hand account of an encounter with it at daycare: "La-a". No, it isn't (as this poor girl understandably attempted), "La...ah", but (as the disgruntled mother haughtily corrected), "Ladasha". Seriously...
However, sometimes a unique name does just jump out at you when you least expect it and Blamo! you've got it. Now, in such a situation, might I just suggest you take a brief moment to Google said name, just to check that it is in fact in line with your core values, before going ahead and giving it to your child. Forever. The following story happened to a friend of a friend of mine and is a glorious representation of my third point in baby-naming failures:
Not Understanding The Name
The subject of our tale (who will henceforth, for no particular reason, be known as Brutus) was invited, somewhat out of the blue, to the christening of an old school-friend's firstborn. Having been out of touch for some time with this individual, Brutus was a little surprised by the name they had chosen for their daughter (phonetically): "Ke-ross-seh-knee". After the service an opportunity arose for Brutus to enquire as to the origins of this unique title. "It's a funny story actually," came the reply, "we were in Bunnings and saw it on the wall and just loved it straight away!" "That is a funny story," thought Brutus (an English teacher by trade), "How did you spell it?" "K-E-R-O-S-E-N-E."
Perhaps it isn't the greatest idea in the world to jump at a word you've spotted on an isle at a hardware store and present it to your child as a name, at least not without first having thrown it into your favourite search engine to ensure it isn't, say "a combustible hydrocarbon liquid". So where do you find a nice, normal(ish) name for your child? Why the interwebs of course! I can almost guarantee that every person (since the start of the 21st century) who has needed to come up with a baby name, has at some point typed "baby names" into the search box and tried their luck. The problem you face is, what are you really going to do with the 196 million pages that come up in the search result? Click "all names" and scroll through A-Z? Hell no! So you narrow down your field a little and go with "Top 100 names for 2011". But this brings us back to our initial quandary: wanting a unique name. Many of the names on this list are classic, elegant and classy, but who wants their child to be one of seven Williams or Andrews in their kindy class? The other names that make up this list fall into my fourth category for baby-naming blunders:
Anything From Twilight
The really frustrating thing about this is that most of the names in Twilight ("Renesme" aside, which not only contradicts rule number 2, but is RIDICULOUS) are very nice names! Edward and Jacob are both good solid boys' names and Bella is a very sweet girl's name, or at least they would be if they weren't now so closely aligned with that awful franchise. "Bella" has become so popular, that (according to a "Top 100 Popular Girls Names" list I came across current to May this year) "Isabella" is number 2 and "Bella" (in its raw form) number 60! Maybe when (if ever) the hype dies down, these names will become acceptable in my eyes again, but until that time, Bellas, Edwards and Jacobs of this era will forever be recognisable as the spawn of Twihards.
So I guess a name just needs to come to you. If you're lucky you'll have a relative's name that you can just recycle and then everybody has to be nice about it. If not, try to take the same approach you would to a potential tattoo design: hang onto it for a little while and see if you still like it as much as you thought you did initially. Maybe even take it for a road test! Mother tells me that Father and her practiced calling potential names from the front porch, in order to truly determine how they felt about them.
As for us, I don't doubt that when the time finally comes for us to reveal our chosen name there will be many people who, despite their best efforts won't be able to hide their distain as they find a word to follow their initial: "Oh! That's....." which is appropriately complimentary, without committing themselves to actual approval (you know you've really knocked them for six when the best they can arrive at is: "...interesting...!"). Though, for the moment we have taken to referring to our little bump as "Gunther" (for no particular reason), so the family will probably just be relieved if that doesn't stick!
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